


Nightmares

by kyanitedragon



Series: Hidekane Oneshots [7]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:34:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28015530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyanitedragon/pseuds/kyanitedragon
Summary: Hide recently started living with Kaneki and his group in the 6th Ward, and he’s beginning to see glimpses of what traumas and troubles Kaneki has.
Relationships: Kaneki Ken | Sasaki Haise & Nagachika Hideyoshi
Series: Hidekane Oneshots [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1211751
Comments: 2
Kudos: 28





	Nightmares

Kaneki gasped, stifling a scream and jumping up. He put a hand against his heart. It was pounding and it was all he could hear. His kakugan was activated, and it burned. 

_It’s just a dream. You’re in your room. You’re safe._

Kaneki closed his eyes. But all he could see was Yamori and those pliers and the blood.

The bed sunk a little, and Kaneki opened his eyes up again.

_I forgot Hide was here._

“Bad dream?” Hide asked, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. “Whoa. You’re eye’s glowing.”

“Sorry...” Kaneki turned to reach for his eyepatch, but stopped when Hide spoke again.

“Don’t cover it. I think it’s cool.”

Kaneki instead shifted to sit and lean against the headrest.

“So it was a nightmare?” Hide guessed.

Kaneki stared at the ceiling. “Yeah. Go ahead back to sleep.” 

Hide scooted over so he was sitting beside Kaneki.

“Nope! I’m staying up until you fall asleep again!”

Kaneki sighed. “I can’t talk you out of it, can I?”

“Nope! And you don’t have any excuses anymore, since I no longer have to wake up early for Kamii or a job!”

Kaneki smiled a little.

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

Kaneki looked down. “I can’t.”

“That bad?”

Kaneki examined his fingers, and then cracked one.

“So what’s with the nail polish anyway?” Hide asked. He was trying to make conversation and probably get Kaneki’s mind off his nightmare. But unfortunately he picked the wrong topic.

“Hide... Please don’t ask me that...”

“Why not? I’m not judging, I’m just curious. I think you should at least paint them something more colorful than black.” Hide said. “Like, at least a dark blue?”

“It’s... not nail polish, Hide.”

“Huh?”

“It’s dried blood. I think.” Kaneki ran a finger along the nail of his thumb. “Or... maybe kagune...? I can’t tell...”

“...”

“It’s gross, I know...” Kaneki turned away.

“Don’t apologize. I mean, it’s not your fault they’re like that.”

Gently, Hide reached out to take his hand and trace over his darkened fingernails.

“Between your nails and your white hair, you really look like you’re trying to make a fashion statement.”

Kaneki laughed. “I know! But, I kinda like it?”

“Me too. I think you look good like that.”

Two nights later, and again Kaneki woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare. He quietly slipped out of bed to get some air.

He sat on the roof in silence for 5 minutes, and then Hide came over.

“I’m sorry, did I wake you up again?” Kaneki whispered.

Hide ignored his question in favor of his own. “Nightmares again?”

Kaneki looked away. That itself was enough to answer _“yes”._

“You get them a lot, don’t you?” Hide asked gently, crouching down to sit beside him.

“Don’t worry about me. You can go back to bed.”

“I really don’t mind. If you want to be left alone, then I’ll leave, but if I can help I want to be here for you.”

Kaneki closed his eyes and sighed. And then a moment later, he was holding back a sob.

“Kaneki?” Hide whispered, quickly pulling him into a hug.

“Thank you.” Kaneki whispered as he nuzzled into Hide’s shoulder.

Hide held him for several minutes, until finally Kaneki’s cries died down, but he still clung to Hide in silence.

“What are your nightmares about?” Hide decided to ask.

Kaneki didn’t answer.

“I’m guessing they’re not your typical nightmares.”

Kaneki shook his head.

“Are they about ghouls?”

Kaneki nodded.

“Are they about me?”

“Sometimes.” Kaneki whispered. “But, not lately.”

“Then, are they about ghouls you’ve faced before?”

Kaneki nodded again.

“Are they about things that have happened to you before?”

Another nod.

“Bad things? Like, traumatizing things?”

Kaneki nodded once again.

Hide squeezed him. “I’m sorry. Is there any way I can do anything?”

“I don’t know.” Kaneki whispered.

Hide woke up when something smacked him. 

“Ow.” He muttered, sitting up, only to see Kaneki squirming, stuck in a nightmare. This had happened before, but it seemed a lot more severe now than it had before.

Kaneki was muttering things, same as he always did, but this time Hide could actually make out what he was saying.

“986! Just kill me. Kill me. Kill me.”

Hide bit his lip, and then leaned over, shaking Kaneki lightly.

“Kaneki, wake up. It’s okay, it’s just a dream.”

Kaneki just whined.

“It’s Hide, I’m right here. It’s just a nightmare.” Hide said, a little louder as he began to shake Kaneki harder.

“Kaneki, you have to wake—”

Kaneki’s eyes snapped open — one grey and one red — and with an angry yell he leapt, grabbing Hide by the shoulders and pushing his back into the bed. Kaneki landed on his stomach, knocking the wind out of him. His nails dug into his clothes and flesh, and his weight kept him pinned down.

With his kakugan blazing, Kaneki screamed at him, “I am the fucking strong! Not you! I’ll kill you! I’ll eat you!”

Hide gasped, eyes wide and body beginning to shake. He knew that those words weren’t directed at him, but it was still shocking to hear them and terrifying to see Kaneki like that.

Kaneki was panting, and slowly he focused on who exactly he was pinning down. The tension and anger on his face vanished, and was replaced with the expression of a confused child. 

“Hide...? Oh my god.” He quickly pulled back, and scrambled away.

Hide rested a hand over his heart as he sat back up. “What the hell was that?”

“I-I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to— I didn’t realize— I never wanted you to—” Kaneki groaned in frustration. “What the fuck is wrong with me?”

“Kaneki.” Hide said firmly.

Kaneki glanced at him.

“What was that?” Hide repeated.

“A nightmare.” Kaneki whispered, avoiding his gaze. “A bad one.”

“Yeah, I know that much. I meant... What was it that you said?”

“That wasn’t directed at you. I’d never—”

“But it was directed at someone else?”

Kaneki’s eyes widened. He swallowed nervously. “Uhh...”

“You’ve said that to someone before, then? You’ve attacked someone like that. Killed someone. Eaten someone.”

“No.” Kaneki whispered. “I’ve never killed any humans.”

“I never said the word human.”

Kaneki cursed under his breath and looked away.

“I knew that you’ve been fighting for the past few months. But I didn’t realize...” Hide trailed off.

“I really am a monster, huh?”

“No! Kaneki!” Hide cried out. “I-I mean... I don’t know. But, why? Who did you kill?”

“Ghouls.” Kaneki said. “I’ve been hunting down and killing and eating ghouls. Ghouls that aren’t good people. Just removing the bad ones. And eating them, because I need to get stronger.”

 _I am the fucking strong,_ he had said.

“Is strength really that important?”

“Yes!” Kaneki cried. “Without it, I...! I...!” He started shaking. He shoved his fingers in Hide’s face, flexing them out to show off his nails, and then gestured to his hair.

Hide made an _“I don’t understand”_ face.

“I was so weak, and stupid and naive. I could have died, and gotten you all killed along with me.”

“But, Kaneki. There’s more than one way to get strong. And more than one kind of being strong.”

“But there’s only one that really matters.” Kaneki muttered.

“Kaneki.” Hide tried. He reached out to rest a hand on his friend, but Kaneki pulled away. 

“No.” Kaneki said. He jumped out of bed and walked away. “Just... leave me alone.”

He shut the door behind him.

Hide sighed and plopped down in bed. When he closed his eyes, all he saw was that tense and angry expression Kaneki had made earlier. 

_He’s slipping away. I need to bring him back._

The next day, Tsukiyama was hanging around their apartment, and since he seemed to be Kaneki’s right-hand man, Hide decided to talk to him about Kaneki.

“Ah, yes, Kaneki-kun is absolutely amazing when he fights. He used to be so inexperienced and awkward, like a baby bird. But he’s splendid and brutal now. There’s not many ghouls he can’t handle.”

Hide blinked in horror.

“But... that’s not Kaneki.” Hide said.

“It is now. I’m so proud of how far he’s come.”

Hide groaned. “O-okay. I’ll... see you later, Tsukiyama-san.”

Hide was laying face-down on the couch, drowning in his misery.

“Kaneki’s not back yet?”

Hide looked up to see Banjou walking over.

“Nope!” Hide cried out. “I’m worried about him.”

“Me too.” Banjou sat down. “He’s been... different lately.”

Hide blinked, sitting up. “Really?”

Banjou nodded. “He’s still a kind person. But... he seems so obsessed with finding answers and seeking strength. And I don’t know much about him, or about feeding on ghouls, but... I think that he’s spiraling.”

“Yeah.” Hide whispered. “Something is definitely up with him. I’ve never seen him like this. He’s so...” Hide gestured vaguely. “...intense?”

Banjou nodded. “He’s struggling, but I don’t know how to help him. And I don’t even know if he’d accept it from me. He’s so stuck on these goals.”

“What exactly are his goals?” Hide asked. “I have a feeling he’s not telling me everything.”

Banjou shrugged. “I’m not really sure myself. He wanted to look into his human doctor, Kanou. Apparently Kaneki used to be human, and that doctor turned him into a ghoul, on purpose?”

“On purpose?!” Hide cried. That was news to him.

“Well, we just found out that recently, but yeah. Kaneki also wanted to try to find information on Rize-san, which I’m interested in as well. I know she wasn’t a great person, but she didn’t deserve to be killed.”

 _He knew Rize?_ Hide didn’t know that either.

“And Kaneki’s also... been eating ghouls and building up strength. Like I said, I don’t know much about kakujas, but it's clear now that it messes you up.”

“How badly?” Hide asked.

“I don’t blame Kaneki, but...” Banjou began. “Once Kaneki stabbed his hand through my chest.”

Hide gaped at him.

“I-it was an accident! He didn’t mean to! He was— Well, I-I don’t know what he was trying to do, but he snapped out of it and he felt really bad about it.”

Hide shook his head, exasperated. _No wonder Kaneki was so paranoid about hurting me._

“I guess all we can do is keep doing what we’re doing. Be there for him, and hope he trusts us enough to open up.” Banjou said.

Kaneki didn’t come back that night. Or the night after that. Soon, it had been a week since Hide had last seen him. He was concerned, but Tsukiyama confirmed that he was alive, just busy.

_More like avoiding me. Again._

Hide was alone in their apartment. Tsukiyama had taken Hinami out somewhere, and Banjou and his followers had gone out to run errands and grab food.

It had been a few hours, and it was dark out now, and Hide was just laying on the couch and watching tv.

Hide heard the door open, and he jumped to his feet and trotted over. 

_Please be Kaneki._

He knew it was likely just Tsukiyama bringing Hinami back home, but Hide really hoped that it would be him.

_...I regret wishing for that now._

There, in the doorway, _was_ Kaneki. He was bloodied and panting, and leaning his body against the wall. Blood was dripping onto the floor.

“What the hell happened to you?!” Hide cried out, closing the distance and grabbing his friend to support him.

Kaneki cried out in pain.

“Sorry.”

Kaneki didn’t say anything as Hide helped him over to the couch. He was just breathing heavily and occasionally moaning in pain. Hide threw an old towel over the couch, and then sat Kaneki down.

Hide bent down. “Let me see your wound.”

“I’m fine.” Kaneki muttered, looking away. “It’ll heal.”

“It doesn’t look that way to me. You’ve gotten injured before, but never bled all over the apartment.”

Kaneki glanced at the hallway and groaned at seeing that Hide was right. He’d left a blood trail.

“Is your regeneration not working?”

“It’s not.” Kaneki confirmed reluctantly.

Hide stood up and grabbed the med kit from the corner of the room. “Alright, let me see.”

“I’ll be fine.”

“Kaneki.” Hide said firmly. He wasn’t in the mood to deal with him right now. But despite his verbal protests, Kaneki didn’t stop Hide from moving his arms and getting a better look at his wound.

“You’re hungry. That’s why you’re not healing.” Hide said.

Kaneki huffed.

“When’s the last time you ate?”

“Last week.” Kaneki answered. “I tried to earlier. That’s how I got this.” He angrily gestured to his wound. “The guy’s gang happened to be nearby. There was a lot of ‘em, and I killed most of ‘em, but one of the lucky bastards snuck behind me and got a hit before I realized it.” Kaneki forced himself up. “Just— Just help me up and into the kitchen.”

“There’s no food. Banjou-san’s out getting more, so you’ll just have to wait until he gets back.”

“Damnit.” Kaneki plopped himself back down, only to cry out in pain.

“He won’t be too long.”

“Long enough.” Kaneki growled.

“Do you need food now?”

“Yes!” Kaneki cried angrily, looking away. “What do you think?!”

“Then...” Hide trailed off. He reached up and pulled his shirt down to expose his shoulder and arm.

Because of the sudden silence, Kaneki’s gaze slowly wandered back over to look at Hide, and his eyes widened.

“What?! No!”

“But you said you—!”

“No, no, no! I don’t! I really don’t, I’m _really_ fine!” Kaneki cried out, all his anger gone and replaced with panic and worry. “I’m just moody, okay? Usually my wounds are long healed by now and I’m really annoyed it's not now. I’m just pissed and impatient but I’m fine. You really don’t need to—” Kaneki trailed off.

“Oh.” Hide whispered, fixing his shirt.

“You’re insane.” Kaneki whispered, his voice breaking. “Why are you— Why do you even care? Why don’t you hate me? I’m such an awful person.”

“Because you’re my best friend, and I know the real you.”

“Go ahead.” Kaneki said in resignation. “Patch up my wounds.”

Hide nodded with determination, and got to work. He knew he was hurting Kaneki by touching and bandaging his wound. Kaneki kept making pained expressions, but he didn’t cry or yell out.

“I’m sorry that I’m hurting you. I’m trying to be gentle, but...” Hide glanced at his hands stained with Kaneki’s blood.

“It’s fine.” Kaneki grunted. “It’s unavoidable.”

Hide finished patching him up in mostly silence, and then he left to wash his hands and put the medical kit away. When he returned, he sat next to Kaneki on the couch.

They were both silent for a few moments.

“Why didn’t you come back?” Hide asked. “When I moved here with your group, you promised you wouldn’t run away again.”

“I’m sorry.” Kaneki looked away.

“It hurt.” Hide whispered. “I was worried about you.”

“I know.”

“Don’t you care?”

“I do, but—”

“But what?”

“But I don’t know if it's the best idea for you to stay with me. What if I hurt you?”

Kaneki had said that countless times before, but this was the first time that Hide realized where that fear came from. He had hurt Banjou. And Kaneki had gone after Hide once before, too, even if that was a long time ago now.

“I’ve come close to it before.” Kaneki added, as if reading Hide’s thoughts.

“Do you really think you would?” Hide asked.

“I don’t know.” Kaneki squeezed his eyes shut. “It sounds so easy, but it’s really not. There’s so much going on in my mind, and it blocks out everything. My senses, my rational thought. Everything just becomes instincts and fear.”

Hide nodded slowly, understanding better.

“Although,” Hide said, “I don’t think running away and taking it all on yourself is the solution. That just makes things worse, even if it seems better in the moment.”

Kaneki looked back up at him, blinking. Hide could be so wise sometimes, and always thoughtful.

“You have to communicate.” Hide whispered gently. He reached out and squeezed Kaneki’s hand. “I’m here. I’ll _always_ be here. Always be willing to listen. You know that. Trust me.”

“But what if that changes?” Kaneki whispered back, his voice cracking. “You don’t know what’s been done to me, what I’ve done to others, what thoughts run through my mind.”

“I don’t.” Hide agreed. “But I know that under everything, you’re still you. Still a person who wants to do what is right. Still the person who loves and cares for me as much as I do for you. No matter what happens, that will never change. I’ll always love you. So, please. Just talk to me.”

Kaneki stared at him, and Hide kept his determined but gentle gaze. Kaneki knew that Hide was telling the truth. He wasn’t the type of person to get scared off and abandon him, as much as Kaneki’s anxieties said otherwise. No, Hide was the person to work through _anything_.

“Okay.” Kaneki took a deep breath. “Where should I even start?”

“How about the very beginning? I’ve always wondered exactly how you became a ghoul!”


End file.
